À la fin

I thought I'd make it through today without tearing up, but I tried to return a book and could only get store credit and I had to tell the workers, "Je quitte la France demain." From Rue Daguerre to Bois de Boulogne the phrase throbbed in my head while tears pulsed from my eyes occasionally. I'm going to backtrack and make updates to this blog over the summer because I'm so afraid to forget all I have done and what it has meant to me. Today I rented a rowboat at the Lac Inférieur in Bois de Boulogne, a massive park in the west of Paris, and not only was it really fun but it encapsulates well what my experience here was like. I love nothing more than to just float and observe, and I feel strong and satisfied while clumsily directing my course on whims and in the face of obstacles. Here I can have an adventure any day I choose and just float along. I'm so afraid that going back home is going to be like going back into a cage. Here I can find challenges without having to look and it's so invigorating. At home the challenge will be to find the beauty, mystery, and energy of a place I've known my whole life. Among other psychological challenges I guess. I need to go put this sculpture I made that is too heavy for my suitcase in an interesting spot in Parc Buttes-Chaumont before my last dinner with my family. I can't believe something I've known I would do for six years has come to an end. I will never be a 20 year old woman in Paris again. I may never live here again. I have seen what the world has to offer me and I am completely worthless if I don't go for it with everything I've got.